Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Best Part Of Waking UP

Hmmm, I guess if I'm being honest, I'd have to say the best part of waking up would be not having to.  The second best thing would be coffee, except that I can't drink coffee.

Yes, you read that correctly.  

I can't drink coffee.

It's not just coffee, either.  Ever since I gave up caffeine whilst pregnant, I really can't take even a little bit of it.  It's hard to know for sure what the real problem is, since I always consume my coffee with a Holy Heaping Mother Load of sugar on top.   I have to wonder if it isn't the whole 1 cup of coffee to 6 tablespoons of sugar that creates the wicked combination that my poor body just refuses to tolerate.

There is a boring back story.  Wanna hear it?

Once upon a time in a land far far away, I had a job.  A real one.  Where you have to get up, try to look cute and then go there.  It was a tough life.  One of the ladies I worked with brewed Starbuck's coffee in her cubicle, and let me just tell you, I'm pretty sure there is crack in that coffee.

I was hooked.  I had to have my Starbuck's.  No other coffee would do.

I come from a long line of addicts, so once I realized I was one of them, I needed to do something about it.  So I kicked my crack habit, and returned to the occasional Latte for a treat. No more morning crack for me.

Well, apparently this short period of addiction reprogrammed my DNA.  Each time I would have my occasional Latte, or Macchiato, the strangest things would happen to me.  I'd get shaky, my tummy would hurt (I could go into greater detail with that one, but we'll leave it alone), but the most disturbing symptom was the paranoia.  Seriously, I was like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive.  Always looking over my shoulder.  Expecting oncoming vehicles to hit me head on.  Worried that all my eyelashes would fall out and never grow back.

Let's just say it was more than a little peculiar.

When I finally figured out what was going on, I started ordering decaf Latte's.  Obviously.  That seemed to help.  Once in a while I would forget, since this really only was an occasional treat, and I would quickly be reminded of my, ahem, condition.

Fast forward to pregnancy, I quit all things caffeine related, EXCEPT CHOCOLATE, because hello?  I was pregnant.  I continued to avoid the caffeine while nursing and even had to give up the blessed chocolate when Chloe was about 4 months old.  (What's that sound?  Oh, a trumpet.  Taps....)  

Fast forward to the movie theater a few months ago when I got the full sized Coke Icee and drank the whole ding dang darn thing.  Big mistake.  Again though, with the sugar...  Is it the caffeine or the sugar?  Or the lethal, cracky combination? I still haven't eaten chocolate, but I'm terrified that it will cause similar issues when I do...

So the best part of waking up?  I guess I'll go with Sanity for 500, Alex.


  1. You know why else we're scarily similar? I love and still drink coffee, but I get shaky and start to fall apart after a cup of caffeine. I shoot for decaf and in small amounts, and never on an empty stomach!

  2. Well...I can't drink coffee, Icees (frozen cokes, whatev ya wanna call 'em), and half the time, soda...because they all do wicked things to my tummy. Oh can't drink alcohol either. And I'm learning that I can't eat certain brands of brownies either (the mix...Duncan Hines...I dunno why, but no fail when I make messes me up...but I can handle the Betty Crocker supremes with Hershey chocolate...go figure).
    Whattheheck is wrong with us?!?!? LOL