An Eventful Decade

Let's see if I can even remember half of what happened in this 10 year period. Much of it I'd rather forget, but well - that's not how it works. I already know that I'm leaving a lot of major stuff out, but here are some of the biggies...

2000

Celebrated our 1 year anniversary

2001

Watched, along with the rest of the world, two planes change our world forever.

I'm sure there's plenty more to document, I was just too busy misbehaving to notice...

2002

Lost my oldest, dearest and best best friend in a car accident.

Started attending Kensington Community Church and found my way onto the path back to God. Can you say Prodi-Gal?

Quit my job and returned to school full time.

2003

School school and more school.

2004

Had a wonderful student teaching experience in the 2nd grade. My first peek into the very difficult job of being a teacher.

Graduated from U of M Flint with a teaching degree.

Joined a Women's Small Group Bible study that was utterly and completely life changing.

2005

Counseled for a week at Senior High camp and realized I missed my calling.

Was miraculously hired by Flint Schools. Seriously, God gave me that job. No other logical explanation.

Fell in love with a world that was very different than my own and began learning that different doesn't equal wrong. Frustrating, but not wrong.

2006

Was laid off from school and had to play the waiting game, also known as the Trust the Lord game. Was hired back in July, before I really had too much of a chance to get worked up about it.

Bought a house with 28 acres very close to where Frank and I grew up and was ecstatic about being close to family and friends for the first time in 7 years.

Lost my Grandma who was one of my very best friends, very unexpectedly 2 days before Christmas. This shook me to the core and catapulted me into a depression.

2007

Things changed at school and being laid off would have been a blessing. After much soul searching, decided to resign from my position of 7th grade Science teacher at Northwestern High School. One of the hardest, yet easiest decisions I've ever made.

Within 1 day of making it official, God confirmed my decision with a little pink line. Or was it two lines?

2008

Chloe Earlene was born at home; healthy, happy and weighing in at a whopping 8lbs. 15 oz.

Began attending The Freedom Center. Very different from what were used to, but so so good for us.

2009

Realized that I had been suffering from some form of depression for a few years. It felt so good to finally be me again.

Finally started making efforts to get plugged in at church. Began volunteering with The Baby Closet, joined the MOPS steering committee and actually started getting out. What a difference!

Lost my other dear grandma who I loved more than words can portray. Left a hole in our family and a very lonely man to figure out how to do life alone after 59 years of marriage. (Father God - draw my grandpa close and comfort him during this time of transition...)

Began therapy with an amazing woman of God and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was hope and healing and that life would never be the same.

2010 - I've deemed this year The Year of Transformation and Intentionality. I have the greatest feeling about this year and can't wait to see what God has in store for us. Some of the verses that I'm focusing on are...

Ephesians 5:1-3 The Message

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Galatians 5:6b NIV

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

This is my prayer for myself and those that I love...

Philippians 1:9-11 NIV

⁹And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, ¹⁰so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, ¹¹filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

There Is A Time And A Place For Will Power

And Christmas ain't it... So this:

Oreos

Klondike Bars

Dove Chocolates

Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies

Nutella

Triple Chocolate Meltdown Cake from Applebee's - Oh how I miss you TCM Cake!

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Skorr Bars

Butterfingers

Snickers

Mackinaw Island Fudge Ice Cream

All manner of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, most especially Chubby Hubby and Mint Chocolate Cookie

Hot Chocolate

Chocolate Chip Banana Bread

No Bake Cookies

Peppermint Mochas

Thin Mints

Andes Mints

York Peppermint Patties

Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries

BROWNIES!!!!!!!!!!!! How could I forget the BROWNIES!?!?!?!?!

From here? Is now a to do list...

I can't wait to get started.

I decided close to a year and a half is long enough to deprive oneself of chocolate. I can't bear another holiday season with out it. So that's it. Stop this crazy train and let me off.

And pass the Oreos.

Healing Sands by Nancy Rue & Stephen Arterburn

Healing Sands is the story of  Ryan Coe’s journey through the most difficult time in her life.  Her son has been accused of a crime that she is convinced he never could have committed.  Her anger has already destroyed her marriage and now threatens to push her son beyond her reach. In an attempt to regain her self-control and reach her son, she seeks the help of Dr. Crisp of Healing Choices Clinic.  This story of surrender and healing pulls you in and leaves you wanting more.

I really enjoyed this novel and could not put it down.  The characters were so real and their situations were so intriguing, I just couldn’t get enough.  At the end of each chapter, I found myself saying – oh, just one more!  I’m always hesitant to read christian fiction, not knowing what to expect, but I would recommend this book to anyone.  I think anyone could identify with the struggles that the main characters wrestle with and may even learn something about how to deal with their own issues. 

Back To Normal

Well...  I guess technically to go back to normal, I would have to have been there to begin with.

Details...

But seriously, all of sudden a couple of months ago, I woke up one day and felt like myself again.  The self that I guess I had given up on, thought was gone or at least had forgotten about.  Honestly, after 30 years of it being about me, (or at least being convinced that it was...) once I became a parent, it didn't surprise me that life was completely different. Dying to self doesn't sound glamorous, and for good reason.

Let's back up a bit.

I tend to be a bit of an extremist.  I have high expectations for myself and when I get my mind set on something, well...  Good luck changing it.

I had planned from the beginning to be inwardly focused, once our first child was born.  I wanted things a certain way, and I was willing to do whatever it took to see that things went that way.  We had our child at home, because I didn't want any one else's opinions or rules forced on me. I spent more time worried about not meeting friend's and family's expectations than I did about child birth. Why?  Because I knew for the first time in my life, I was going to do what I wanted, when and how I wanted*.  While I knew that, I was still a little, okay a lot, concerned about what fall out may come along with that.

*I say all of this knowing (now and then) that God's will trumps mine at any given moment.  Which was a huge comfort in some ways and completely horrifying in other ways.

I wanted to nurse for a year, and while things went really well, I really found it to be hard. Hard to go out, with or without Chloe, hard to accept help, even from Frank when I would still have to pump anyway.  It was just hard.  I was a hard core Boppy girl, so I had to drag that and a million other things with me, even when I was just going to my parent's house.  It got easier and easier to just stay home.  To say no to invitations, to refuse to make commitments.  

This introversion, which is really not at all how I am, started during pregnancy, actually.  I became extremely protective of my time with the hubby.  I drove him just two miles east of crazy.  It wasn't pretty.

So, I say all of this to ask this question...  Was I suffering from postpartum depression? Because I certainly didn't think so at the time.   I'm still not convinced that I was, but I think it's definitely a possibility.  I didn't even realize I was so off until I was back on.  

Is this making sense to anyone else?

In some ways, I feel like my choices, staying home, doing things my own way, etc., may be what caused the depression, or weirdness or lack of being myself.  (Whatever we're calling it.)  I've considered the fact that some form of chemical imbalance, be it postpartum, or just out of whack hormones caused me to make the decisions, but I feel like this very moment, in the rightest of minds I see myself capable of being in, I would make the same choices.  So I think it really is door number 1.

The other thought I have is this:  Becoming a parent effected my friendships A LOT more than I expected.  Again, I don't know if that would have happened either way or if some imbalance is to blame for choices I made, or at least how I responded to certain situations that arose. Regardless, I think the shift in many of my close friendships definitely had a negative effect on my well being.  

Everything about this makes me wonder which came first?  The chicken or the egg?  And I guess the answer doesn't really matter.  If only that knowledge were enough to cause me to quit thinking about it!  Wouldn't that be bliss?

As I was sharing these thoughts with someone the other day, I realized something.  I moved in November.  My grandma died in December.  I should clarify, my grandma who was one of my closest friends who I spent a lot of time with died in December.  Though Frank and I had been very close to feeling ready to start our family, her death sent me into a depression that made me change my mind about that.  Also during this time, the teaching job that I had been in for a year and a half was not going well.  I was ready to move on, but felt totally responsible to finish out the year, so I spent 5 months fairly miserable with that.  I did finally resign in August after a prayerful and relaxing summer, where I really felt God leading me into a time of rest.  I know now that God was allowing me a time to get it together before I had Chloe.  I believe I was pregnant when I said to a friend that summer, "I wonder if this is my time to rest up before I have a baby?"  Turns out, yep.  :)

I share all of that to say, is it any wonder that things were a little nutty?  I moved, lost a dear family member, quit my job, got pregnant and had to adjust to a completely new life on about 5 different levels.  

I'd say a chemical imbalance was definitely in order.